Kevin

so basically i am done my 2nd semester of school. and my first year of college. for a month at least. then its my summer class. that is. if my grades this semester allow it. if i pass chem with a C then i will be taking chem 102 starting in july.

anyway its been forever since i have updated this thing. basically nothing is new. i stopped updating because all i do is whine on here. there have been times i have been tempted to come back and whine but after like years of doing this the whining gets me no where so why even waste my time or energy on this. LOLZ.

so yeah over the past however many months its been since i updated, some stuff has happene. evening star broke up again(as if that wasn't predictable) but we did play a few shows including a fun trip to North Carolina where we had a pretty good weekend and I met some cool people. I saw like 2 or 3 shows as well. Saves the Day, which was amazing. Say Anything which was nothing short of a religious experience and absolute brilliance, and Angels and Airwaves which just seemed to miss the mark. I went to that last night.

Lately i have been overcome with paranoia and anxiety about social situations, mostly when it comes to meeting people or interacting with strangers, as well as developing a nasty case of some sort of gastro-intestinal problem which makes it fairly painful to swallow food and drink fluids 75% of the time.

I have been half heartedly searching for a job, but as of right now not too sure what is going to happen. I think i have one lined up at UMBC, but i have yet to bring myself to take care of meeting with the correct people to solidify this. It is at the library. It would be a pretty menial job but it would make me some money.

So this summer I don't really have plans. For a while i was gonna record music but I can't ever bring myself to be productive for 5 seconds. I think i get really sad when i realize people shouldn't depend on me because i procrastinate and put things off and never finish what i start, let alone finish it well.

I also, along with james and joe, have completed watching every episode of 24 to date. The season 5 finale was tonight. It was intense.

So those are the things that have been taking up my life and leaving me with way too much free time lately. Feel free to bother me anytime this summer.

new evening star song here

I am insane.

I wish that I felt as good on the inside as the weather felt today.

I need to catch up with my life.

Peace.

I never update anymore. And that is a step in the right direction. Since I last updated:

School started. And it is going pretty well. A little worried about grades. Morning classes have taken their toll on me, and I am awful tired all the time. I have an anthropology quiz tomorrow. I haven't been to the class in a week. I am gonna fail it. I am not too worried about it though.

I have been recording with the evening star. In fact, I just redid my bass parts for the third time tonight. We are almost done though. We have been mixing the instrumentation. All the instrument tracks will be done by the end of the week once we finish some keyboard parts. Then we can move on to vocals. It should be done in 3 weeks or so. Then we get it all fancied up for public release. We are playing a show in North Carolina on April 1st.

Other than that, I have hung out with Jill a few times, watched a lot of 24 with James and Joe, spent too much money I don't have on food and a new bass amp, and had some pretty shitty things happen to me.

I have another crush. Cause I get a new crush every week. And I never follow up on these things. Sucks.

I need a job. I need money. I need spring and then summer. I need to go to sleep.

<3

Click here to view a trailer for a little movie I have been working on. Let me know what you think.

k thx bai.

For some reason I feel insightful. But I don't know how to offer my insight.

I think Paul said it best. Let it be. How true is that. Some things are just better left alone. In the past. There is no sense in worrying over bull shit that happened years ago.

I turned 19 yesterday. And it was a good day. So many people jsut left me comments on my facebook or sent me text messages. And a few people called me. My mom took me to lunch. My BFFs took me to dinner. Wednesday night Gino bought me dinner. And got me cake. And he and warren and marty sang to me. It was just cool. Because I feel like my life might be going somewhere. And if not, at least I am growing up. Part of growing up is just leaving the past. No sense in trying to stay attached to it. No sense in worrying about it. A few people didn't make any attempt at wishing me a happy birthday. People who say they are my friends. I almost got upset about it. But no. Let it be. I am growing up. Some other people aren't.

So let go.

Let it be.

I am excited for many things in my life right now. I realized how many people I have who love me. I get to start school on monday. And i am excited about it. I love learning. I love doing things that express my humanity. Being creative. Learning. Loving. It just feels good to be alive. It feels good to feel life coarsing through my veins. I think the Evening Star might work out this time. I am really excited for the music I have been working on with my friends. We are doing some really cool stuff.

I think I might have a crush. But its a girl who I can't really comprehend. I think she is like me. Too shy. So nothing will ever come of it. But I can't make the first move. I fear rejection too much. I'd have a panic attack if i tried calling her.

Let me take you down...

There is nothing but the future. That is the funny thing about time. It only goes in one direction.(Or at least we percieve it as going one direction...but don't get me started on quantum physics...I'd talk for hours on it.) And the direction it goes is forward. There is no way to go back. So it is silly to regret the past and live in the past. And spend tomorrow worrying about yesterday. We can only live for the day and for the future. I think too many people like to live tomorrow as a continuation of today. They like to have a life that is stationary and let time move around it. But maybe our lvies should move with time. All I can say is I live everyday like its my last. I live everyday to make it better than the last. I vow to make tomorrow the best day of my life. I will make a difference in this world. Great things will happen.

I get by with a little help from my friends.

(I want somebody to love.)

This could be your last moment on earth. Think about it. At any moment we could die/dissapear into oblivion. This could be the last moment for some of your friends or loved ones. Shouldn't we try to make sure that if this was the last moment for us or someone we know that it could only leave the world with the thought that our lives weren't a waste?

One sweet dream came true today.

I am tired of people who complain and complain about how this or that is horrible or this person is a dick and their lvies suck and blah blah blah. Then they do nothing to do it. If there is a reason to be complaining, take the initiative to do something about it. Sitting around complaining won't change anything. Actions change thigns. Don't run from problems. Face them head on. Tackle them. And live with them. I lvoe how the adults of the world act like little children. Leaders in the middle east building fucking walls in their cities so they don't have to face the people they don't like. Just go on and run from your problems. GROW UP!

I vow to make a difference in this world.

Roll up for the mystery tour.

I had a wonderful birthday. I have wonderful friends. Look out for the new Evening Star EP this spring. And tomorrow I will try to compress and upload the trailer for the movie I am working on with james ond joe. When i do that it will be posted to www.peoplekillrobots.com.

But thanks for giving me a good day guys. I love you.

Will you still need me? Will you still feed me when I'm sixty four?

its now officially my birthday. and I am 19.

Life is wonderful. Amazing even.

I LOVE THE WORLD!

ok. so life is exciting.

tonight the evening star recorded some live demos for our soon to be recorded EP. Its gonna be 5 of the most intense tracks you have ever heard. It will be our first release since like 2003. Long time...yeah.

In other news, the cops tried to shut us down, but James, Joe, and I are nearing completion on a short little action flick. Its got swords and plenty of special effects. Thanks to the fact that I stoled Final Cut Pro.

I really want to play some shows with the evening star but there none to play. That's pretty lame. But I hope we will get to play out pretty soon.

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 1 WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be 19. How lame is that?

We measure the years by the people we have been with.
We can't believe it has really been this long.
We lived through good times and times when things went horribly wrong.
In the cold of winter we awaken to who we are.
The years went by and we went too far.

I have honestly been trying to avoid updating this shit. Because i re-read a lot of the stuff I say and I come off as a whiny and desperate little bitch. And I guess at times I am just that.

But right now I have no idea what to do or how to feel. I don't feel good at all. Everything was going good and then one day, BAM, somethign got really weird. And I am having trouble wrapping my head around it. It is because I think too much, I read too far into situations, but its just odd when people all of the sudden start acting completely out of character. There are friends I would like to believe I know well, and I like to believe they don't just all the sudden dissapear from the face of the planet, even though they say that is not the case.

But it only takes 5 seconds to return a phone call, even if it is just to say "I am busy and can't talk. Goodbye."

I just hate getting the cold shoulder. Or at least hate feeling like I am getting the cold shoulder.

I can't sleep at night. I somehow got into this shitty routine where I can't go to sleep until 3 or 4 am. If i try to sleep earlier I roll around for 2 hours worrying my brains out. I am so anxious lately. I absolutely hate it. I want school to start so I can be occupied and stop having to have so much time to think. I am freaking out. If I could just somehow go to sleep at like 12, then I wouldn't have those 3 or 4 hours to be alone and worry. But then I will just be awake earlier and start worrying then. The more time I am not awake the better.

Such is my life.

This boy's got woe.

But life is so beautiful so I try not to worry on the negative shit that happens. People will be people, and all people come around. Especially if they are good people. So I am not too worried.

My birthday is in 15 days. I will be 19. Everyone do something really special for me. I need love.

Someday I like to believe it will all be better. And I am excited about that.

In other news my band started practicing at writing some cool songs. So That at least makes me happy.

Something's missing.

     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |
     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |
     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |---------- |     |
     |     |     |     |    ---------    |     |    /|     |    \|     |
-----------      |     |  /  |     | \   |     |   / |     |     |     |
     |     \     |     ---   |     |  \  |     |  /  |     |     |     |
     |     |\    |    /|     |     |   \ |     | /   |     |     |    /|
     |     | --------- |     |     |    \|     |/    |     |     |   / |
     |     |     |     |     |     |     |-----|     |     |     |  /  |
     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |--   |
     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |     |
 Jan   Feb   Mar   Apr   May   Jun   Jul   Aug   Sep   Oct   Nov   Dec

That line graph sums up my year in a measure of my own personal satisfaction. Obviously there have been ups and downs. But judging from current trends, 2006 looks to be on the up. Jim Cramer suggests you buy all the 2006 you can afford. *CHA CHING CHA CHING* Excellent ringing in the new year BOOYA right at ya!

Favorite Albums of 05:
Motion City Soundtrack - Commit This to Memory
Coheed and Cambria - Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV Volume One: Fear Through the Eyes of Madness
Ok Go - Oh No
Relient K - Apathetic EP

Favorite Movies of 05:
Saw II
Sin City
Kung Fu Hustle
Star Wars Episode III: Reveng of the Sith
Rent
Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

I think my favorite thing about 05 though is all the awesome stuff I did with my friends. Like go to Florida, graduate, go to college, play music, make movies, and eat lots of expensive food.

I have no idea what will happen in 2006.

across the room, across the room. I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

I love Christmas. It is just such a joyous day.

I love all of my friends. I love everything I have. I am so greatful and thankful for everything in my life.

I love how whenever things get me down something always happens to show me that there is hope. The world is not all bad. When I lose faith, You work Your ways in my life and show me the light.

I had been feeling doubt for a while (feeling foresaken), but today I can say prouder then ever that I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and I am so glad he was born to be our Savior. I am glad I am saved.

I know no matter what happens in the future, or what has happened in the past, that there is love. And it is because of You. People will come and go in my life, but I am so happy for the here and now. Everything in my life went from being pretty horrible to almost perfect.

I have people that love me. I have people that care. I in turn love thes people and care so much. I have amazing friends and family. I don't know where I would be without all of them.

I love you all.

I love Jesus Christ.

I celebrate the day.

UMMMMMM! I dunno. my life has been exciting...yes? no. its been good though.

last night me and my crew decided to attempt filming a movie, but technical difficulties prohibited it. and today we were going to again...but just didn't. but we hung out and got dinner. i went ot lunch with dan and james todya. and dan is a lot different looking and has a girlfriend...and yeah. thats as deep as i will go.

i wrote a song today but i probably won't record it ever since i can't sing. but i am posting lyrics here for posterity sake cause i wrote them in my livenjournal widget and copy paste is too much effort and saving as a file,. you know. its a folky song. its kind of good.


I've got these nervouse ticks
they go click click click
keeping the rythm of the mentally sick
I couldn't tell a lie
to the bags under my eyes
because I've been pacing these floors for three straight nights
contemplating love and the afterlife
a church of friends in schism
due to my stupid decisions

and I believe that its time
as if i could tell from this broken watch of mine
its hands stopped turning when my heart died
but you'll only live in regret if you never try.

I've got a few good friends
that stay by my side
they might be with me till the day i die
but this is taking hours
and everythign tastes sour
because i've been having trouble keeping my food down
when I'm no longer scared of this small small town
i've spent afternoons at lunches
lying awake at night with hunches

you reminded me of a song
so I went and put the album on
and my stomache, i felt, began to churn
things are good but for how long
So I turned the fucking record off
sometimes i think I just won't ever learn.



anyway. that is my life.

i love you all. merry Christmas.

and that's my first semester of college. woo.

winter break is too long. i am gonna be so bored.

i don't feel so hott.

my exams are getting me stressed. heh. and because i hade to wake up way early yo take my parents to the air port and then wake up way early to pick up my sisters a few days later, my sleeping schedule is mad whack. SO i haven't been falling asleep until like 4. And so I am pretty tired. Gee. I dunno man. But shcool is over in 2 days!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!

Ok. So tomorrow and tuesday. Last two days of class. Right? right. At least at good ol' UMBC. I think a lot of other schools are actually done with their finals much earlier then UMBC. But whatev. Tomorrow I have a philosophy test. Shouldn't be too bad except I don't know which articles I am supposed to have read. There are 3 and I only know 1 of them for sure. So that is at least a 33% right? Ha. With finals and my first set of college grades, I am sort of worried I will fall short of my 3.0 required average(due to my scholarship). But I am hoping I will pull it all together and get thigns worked out. I have no exams until this friday. And this friday exams suck. Because I have to go to philosophy around 2 or so. It is just to turn in a paper because our final is a 5 page opinion paper. No research = good. But we still have to go turn it in and have like a little cupcake party or whatev. It looked like I might not ahve to take my math final on account of an A, but right now it is looking like my final test I just took will still hold me in the B range, so most likely will be taking that final from 6-8PM. After that, because my art history teacher had to resechdule our exam so she could fly back to her country where ever the fuck that might be, I have an art history exam from 8:30-10:30 PM. on a friday night. Riiiight... And then I have like my sociology exam the monday after that during the afternoon, and my bio exam on that tuesday, the 20th, in the afternoon. Not too bad I guess. Except the three on friday and the facct that they are close together adn eat up my whole night. Gobble gobble gobble it up yo!

This weekend has been a bust. Saw Narnia on friday night. It was pretty alright. I enjoyed it. And that was about all I did all weekend. spent the rest sitting inside laying in bed being depressed. shit.

But these next two weeks = eventful. To say the least. My parents and little sister are going to florida to pick send my big sister home from thursday morning through saturday night. Subsequently martin is leaving florida on thursday to return to maryland, and we will most likely be returning to the evening star in all its glory, and probably recording a record. Also on Thursday night I am going to see the Ataris with Warren at the ottobar. On Thursday the 22nd I have to go to Salisbury to face trafiic court. I am super nervous about this one. Pray that I don't get my license taken away. And school ends and we celebrate Christmas. Sorry to say I have not the funds to buy gifts this year. But possibly, just possibly, I may get some shopping done for a few special people. The the new year begins, grades come out, I celebrate my 19th birthday, and the spring semester begins. The future at least looks like it will keep me occupied, if not hold some exciting and fun times.

Oh and since my parents will be gone later this week I will have the hosue to myself. so if you want to come walk around naked with me or hang out or get crunk into the wee hours of the night with me(cause i drink sooo much...ha), let me know. Like call me or something. Well my brother will be home, which means either he will try to have his own crunk get together or he will just come home late and not be home at all. I don't know. But come spend time with me.

i want to go to sleep. but I feel to anxious to even try.

I wish I didn't stay up acting like someone is going to take time to talk to me. Well except for Joe which is much appreciated. Because joe is a funy mother fucker. yes he fucked my mother. no lies.

oh wait. i remember why no one talks to me. because I act like this.

Fuck me.

it snowed today. i love snow. i love winter. i love this time of year.

i am going to 19 in like 2 months. well less. I am getting too old.

i have nothing to say, but I feel so paranoid lately.

I feel like I have lost touch with the world.



I am convinced when people call me and I miss the call, then leave a message for me to call back, and I call back and they don't answer...I am convinced they do it just to get my hopes up only to crush them and laugh at my misfortune.

I wish anything could describe the way I feel inside right now.

I feel like my entire past boarded a speeding train that just crashed into a wall going a thousand miles per hour, and while all the things from the back of the train rushed forward and closed in on me, my body was thrown out through the air. And right now I am flying through a cold rainy night's sky headed for an uncertain impact. I am caught in this moment, flying towards doom, feeling so desperate and alone, but at the same time I am filled with a firey passion for life and a genuine love for creation, a hope for better things.

I am having a crisis. I am relapsing. I need help. I swear to you I am brekaing down. Everything I have learned says NO! but the way I feel screams yes. My anxieties are becoming too much again. I am spending too much time inside avoiding people, avoiding my life. The only thing I want to tell my self is I have to do something, I have to create something that can express the unexplainable emotions I feel. I have to put meaning to it. I wish there was some way to make others feel this way, if only for a moment. If only to empower them. If only to destroy them. I want people to share in the joys of life, but the struggles of suffering. I need people to relate to me. I need to shout out so loud. Sing and scream the words that I feel. But I am only met with frustration of being human, and the very things that make me want to rejoice in my humanity prevent me from expressing it.

I am sorry if you don't understand. I thought I was better but the truth is you can't cure it. I don't want to go back on medications. I don't even want to talk to my parents about it. I don't want to see doctors again. I just want to be normal for once in my life. I want this to be gone. Please take this away. Please please please I am begging for You or anyone to take this away. I swear I am having a crisis. I am breaking down. Please. Please. I haven't slept in days. I haven't gone to class in days. I haven't been normal in days. I don't want this again. I thought I was better. I swore I was better. Please.

I am begging You please take this away.

I am begging for someone to help.

I can't live with the bags under my eyes and the demons that won't die.

I don't want to live like this anymore.